I meant to write an entry about how to be more positive, but as it sometimes is, you plan something and life goes nu-huh.
So this is about validation.
We all want to be loved. It’s a basic human need. But sometimes, we don’t get the validation we crave from the people we want the most to validate us. And that is okay. Really, it is. Even if you want to shout at them to try harder, to get a grip and change their ways, to just, I don’t know, be a little kinder, it is okay that they don’t. Sometimes, they can’t give us what we need. It is not into them. They don’t possess that insight or feeling or strength. Sometimes, our request is too timid or gets lost in translation (non-verbal requests and hints sometimes are overseen. It all depends on the sender – receiver relationship really.).
In my case, my mother has a very hard time accepting me for who I am. She will never ever offer me the kind of acceptance I crave, and I am heartbroken over this. Does she love me? I think she does. But she still refuses to acknowledge my lifestyle, doesn’t get my hair, criticizes my decisions. Of course it hurts. I want that acceptance so desperately, that we end up fighting again and again over petty things or phrasings. Never over the real issue. She will change the topic if we talk about the crux of it all, because she cannot change it, at least not right away, and it upsets her.
What aspect about it all upsets her, I don’t know. Maybe she senses that I am lacking something she cannot give to me. As a parent, I assume that this is especially hard.
We talked about it today a little, and I said that she was hurting me when she made little remarks about how much she wishes I would do things differently. That I would have a different relationship. And that it was hard for her, and that she thought it was perfectly normal to feel that way, because every parent would.
No, mum, there are supporting parents which love their kids no matter what. Really. She didn’t believe me but at least she agreed that parents should want their children to be happy.
But this is not about my mum. This entry also isn’t about our relationship with each other. It’s about what happens when you don’t get the validation you need.
The simplest thing (which can seem so hard at first): you go out there and get it from somewhere else. The best source for it is you. Validate yourself. If it’s too hard sometimes, get help. Go to your friends, find people like you. Get involved, build a network. Go get that hug, tell people you love them, go for a coffee, a beer, a movie. Learn what it feels like to be loved for who you are. Let yourself love.
You are not alone. There are people out there just like you. With the same interests, passions, insecurities, needs. Go find them and let yourself be yourself. Relax a little. And remember, it is okay if you don’t get that validation from those you initially wanted it from. Yes, it will still hurt a little, but it will be okay.
I promise. And if you feel like it, use the comment button or the ask me link. I’m here.